Pain & Pages

It's been a heck of a month for me, filled with pain and stupidity, almost all mine. A tooth that my dental bridge is attached to developed an infection behind it. The front of my mouth was so sore I couldn't eat anything harder than a popsicle. Within a day, the right side of my face was swollen, and I was going through an ice pack every hour. While I waited to get in to see the dentist, I sucked on ice cubes, popsicles, and even tried a teething ring (that didn't help at all). I used OraJel on my gums, and Aspercreme on my face, trying to relieve some of the pain. Tell you what, that OraJel stuff is a godsend! It numbs everything, at least for a while...  I finally got in to see the dentist, Dr Idiot. After taking x rays, all he could tell me was what I already knew. Infection. And that he couldn't do anything to fix it, because the tooth is attached to the bridge, and they'd have to remove the entire bridge. He kept repeating the "Six grand" until I was on the brink of tears.

Until the late 90's I had perfect teeth. Then, one Friday, working at a YMCA Before-and-After-School program, I had a seizure while on the playground with the kids. I fell face forward onto the blacktop, knocking out my top four front teeth. I had to have the stumps pulled, and for several years, wore a little flipper--fake teeth that I could take out. Then I finally was able to get this bridge put in, thanks to the folks at the OHSU Dental School, and until a few years ago, it was perfect, too. Then the front two teeth got chipped, and I look like a hillbilly meth addict. It's gone downhill from there, with pain and some more chips. My insurance won't pay to replace it, because it's considered a cosmetic procedure. So if I want to fix the bridge, the teeth that are causing me pain, any of it, I have to figure out a way to come up with at least $6000. Which means I'm stuck with this damn broken bridge and pain forever--unless some fairy godparent sends me a check.

To add to the indignity, Dr Idiot refused to give me any good pain meds, but prescribed me something called Tramadol, which caused an allergic reaction that scared the hell out of me. Sent me into a huge panic attack, constricted breathing, and itching as well. When I called the office the next day to ask for a different pain med, he told me "if you'd just get over this, you'd be fine"  and "we don't normally prescribe narcotics." At this point I was crying and close to yelling at him, saying I didn't want narcotics, just something that wouldn't kill me, and that I was pretty sure we were no longer in a normal situation. He finally agreed to give me a new med. Of course, I didn't get it until three days later. The antibiotic has helped a lot, and my face is no longer swollen, most of the pain is gone. I've four more days of antibiotics, and then we'll see what happens.



But that couldn't possibly be the only pain the universe inflicted on me, right? I'm convinced that somewhere there's a demon with a voodoo doll of me, and they're randomly poking, prodding & pinching that doll all the fucking time. As soon as my face started feeling better, my sciatica started acting up, causing my left leg some serious pain. Also making me walk like Elmo's friend Mr Noodle, which is just ridiculous.  Standing & walking hurt so bad that I just gave up and spent most the last two weeks in bed. From my spot here among the pillows I've done half a dozen small craft projects (crafting soothes me -- I'll do a post about these phone cases I'm decorating soon), read a ton, watched way too many beauty bloggers on YouTube, and binge watched huge amounts of Netflix. I'm on Season 6 of "Once Upon A Time" and frankly, I'm a bit annoyed, but I will save that for another day as well.

There was more stupidity, and that was mine involving the other side of my face. Just as one side is feeling & looking better, I managed to give myself a shiner. Yep. Yesterday morning I was sitting on the bed, dropped my phone, ad in reaching for it, slid off the bed onto the floor. Landed face first on the edge on a hard container sitting nearby, bruising my right brow bone. Last night when I went to bed it was tender but not bruised; this morning I looked in the mirror and damn! That whole area around my eye is pink and purple. I've never been so glad to have so much makeup at my disposal-- in just a few minutes I covered the entire thing up, and I look fantastic! #iwokeuplikethis



On a different note, I can't post any book reviews because, well, the only stuff I seem to be reading these days is fanfiction. My tablet is full of all sorts of reading material: Oscar Wilde & Dorothy Parker. Bram Stoker & Edgar Allan Poe, Stephen King, Joe Hill & Owen King. Alton Brown & Julia Childs. Jane Austen & Elizabeth Berg & Maya Angelou & Oprah.  Self-help, mysteries, thrillers, erotica, poetry, memoirs, true crime, classics, biography, fantasy, young adult, and even some odd non-fiction. Yet I keep going back to the fanfiction, like a junkie goes back to the needle. One of my goals for 2018 was to read actual books. Maybe I should try it.

Book Review: The Girl with All the Gifts

"Melanie is a very special girl. Dr Caldwell calls her "our little genius."



Every morning, Melanie waits in her cell to be collected for class. When they come for her, Sergeant keeps his gun pointing at her while two of his people strap her into the wheelchair. She thinks they don't like her. She jokes that she won't bite, but they don't laugh. " (from Goodreads)

What a surprise this novel turned out to be. I originally got 'The Girl with All the Gifts' as an audiobook download from Audible, and after listening to the first chapter, I decided I needed to actually read the book! (I tend to fall asleep during audiobooks, and podcasts, even those I like very much!) This story by M.R. Carey is a bit out of my wheelhouse, I admit. I don't normally read what I'd categorize as "post-apocalyptic fiction, and this is definitely in that category. No spoilers--just read it.

Book Review: Everything I Never Told You

by  Celeste Ng

Lydia is dead. But they don’t know this yet . . .

So begins the story of this exquisite debut novel, about a Chinese American family living in 1970s small-town Ohio. Lydia is the favorite child of Marilyn and James Lee; their middle daughter, a girl who inherited her mother’s bright blue eyes and her father’s jet-black hair. Her parents are determined that Lydia will fulfill the dreams they were unable to pursue—in Marilyn’s case that her daughter become a doctor rather than a homemaker, in James’s case that Lydia be popular at school, a girl with a busy social life and the center of every party.

When Lydia’s body is found in the local lake, the delicate balancing act that has been keeping the Lee family together tumbles into chaos, forcing them to confront the long-kept secrets that have been slowly pulling them apart. James, consumed by guilt, sets out on a reckless path that may destroy his marriage. Marilyn, devastated and vengeful, is determined to find a responsible party, no matter what the cost. Lydia’s older brother, Nathan, is certain that the neighborhood bad boy Jack is somehow involved. But it’s the youngest of the family—Hannah—who observes far more than anyone realizes and who may be the only one who knows the truth about what happened.

ebook, 304 pages

Published June 26th 2014 by Penguin 

(from Goodreads.com)

I read this in December 2016, and just now realized I had never posted a review for it. It's a heartbreaking tale, beautifully told, that I read in one day. First time I've read a novel in that short a time in a while. This is a debut novel. I cannot wait to read her next.

Eat. Sleep. READ. That's all.

It's a new year (well, duh!), and I'm posting, finally. No apologies or excuses for my absence this time, just a fresh start. And a challenge.

I love a good book challenge, and this year, I'm taking Anne's from The Modern Mrs. Darcy.  The 2016 Reading Challenge is relatively simple, without a huge number of books, which I need right now. And the variety is great!



 

Here are my choices, so far. Nearly all of these are books already on my e-reader or bookshelf, which was a conscious choice on my part. I have an overflowing e-reader, and it would be ridiculous to add more when I can satisfy the requirements! There are three choices that are new-to-my reader books; these are starred! (And my list is in the opposite order than the one above.)

 

A book I've already read at least once:

Cold Comfort Farm  by Stella Gibbons

A book that intimidates me:

Othello by William Shakespeare

A book I own, but have never read:

Van Gogh's Room at Arles by Stanley Elkin

A book I previously abandoned: 

A book that was banned at some point:

(I'm choosing the same book for these two categories)

A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard

A book published before I was born:

A Room With A View by E.M. Forster

A book chosen for me:

I honestly cannot decide on which of the books my wonderful friends Karen & Rob selected for me, so I'm adding both of them to the list!

* A Madness of Angels by Kate Swift (Rob's choice)

* The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb (Karen's choice)

A book I should've read in school:

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

A book recommended by a bookseller:  

*  A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara    I took this recommendation from the employees at Powell's, where this novel was on several folks top-five books of 2015.

A book I've been meaning to read:

The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov

A book that can be read in a day: 

My Story by Marilyn Monroe

A book published this year:

This category is last, because I don't have anything for it yet. Once 2016 gets going a bit more, I'll fill this one in!

 

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As I read these (and everything else!) I'll post thoughts, reviews, etc. I'll begin reading these as soon as I finish what I'm currently involved in! Join me, won't you? Let's make 2016 a year full of books!

And if anyone has suggestions for books published this year, let me know!

 

 

 

It's Not Hoarding if They're eBooks, Right?

If Hoarders ever decides to do a show on people who have too many books, they'd over look me, because, really, my library of "real" books isn't that big. Comparatively speaking, that is. Not nearly big enough to land me a spot on a show like that. My ebook library, on the other hand, is getting out of control.

I'm fairly sure that I have at least 150 unread books on my Kindle app. Then there are the ones on Aldiko, Google Books, Moon+Reader, and  OverDrive. We won't even mention the dozens of fanfiction books/stories lurking about my tablet, or the audiobook waiting to be listened to. And I'm not counting the things I HAVE read. 
Except for those things I've read before in a paper version, all of these are new to me. I'm addicted to free book sites, and some days, spend more time searching out free things to download than I do reading. It's distressing. 

 

Now, this is not to say I don't read at all, because we all know that isn't true. I'm halfway through an odd book called Ketchup Clouds by Annabel Pitcher.



 

It's a YA novel about a teen girl writing to a man on death row, and confessing all her dark secrets to him. Twisted. Just my style.

 

 

 

Blood and Poetry

I went to college. Actually, I went to several colleges, and changed my major several times before I finally finished, but that's totally not the point. The BA I finally ended up with is in English:Creative Writing:Poetry, with a minor in Theater. Yes, that's a degree that will get you a job in any field!

I always enjoyed poetry, although I'm still not sure why I chose to major in it. I'm more of a reader than a writer, in spite of the many aspirations my mother has for me. I did put together a collection (a "thesis" if you will) for my final project, and gave many readings for classes. That part I was good at; I'd never had a problem being in front of others. But over the years I've written less and less, and I miss it. In an effort to get back in the groove, so to speak, I dug up as many of my old poems as I could find. Aren't you lucky--I'm going to post some of them! (Be afraid, be very afraid!)

Before we get to today's poem, can someone explain to me why, when I am feeling low, watching a show like Dexter, or reading a Jonathan Kellerman novel, full of blood and mayhem, monsters and murder, makes me feel so much better? It can't just be me, or these things wouldn't be as popular as they are, right? I've spent the last two days watching Dexter on Netflix, while doing all the other things I need to do. And yes, I suddenly feel so much more normal. Really, compared to most of the characters on this show, I'm a paragon of mental health. Good to know.

And now for the literary portion of today's post! One of my favorites. Enjoy.

 

Wilhelmina

In a hypothetical world,

I am a bimbo goddess of poetry,

Enshrined in my coffeehouse castle,

my words the songs of a generation.

Attended by sugary seraphim upon my beachside throne,

my name resonates on the tongues of cappuccino demigods.

He, bespectacled, brilliant, falls at my feet,

quoting darkly my childlines.

As gilded graces join us in our dance,

we whirl through a city of stars into

our moonpalace home.

Fall through velvet loveclouds into beds of miracles.

Strongly carefree of wings or wheels,

tasting of copper and chocolate,

a literary, bad-­tempered love of scarlet phrases in my head.

He whispers, solemn:

“God has spoken, and he sounds like Elvis.”

Save Your Fanfiction!

I'm working on a list of some of my favorite fan-fics to share with you. There is so much out there... But first, I wanted to share these links with you. I read both on my laptop and on my tablet (a nifty Samsung Galaxy, which I love!) using various e-reader apps. Scrolling on the laptop just gets to be a bit much, ya know? Plus, it's much easier to read from the tablet in bed! So I went looking for ways to download various fics so I can read them elsewhere.  Archive Of Our Own, has a built in download feature on stories, allowing you to choose between formats (mobi, which is for Kindle; epbub, pdf or html); most of the other sites don't offer this feature, which is a shame, since it's very efficient. Hence, the search for ways to save.

Since a large portion of fan-fiction is archived/posted on Fanfiction.net, finding a way to download those stories was tantamount. (FFN does have a mobile version, but it tends to be too small for me to read.) The site I found, which works most of the time, is Ficsave. It's dedicated only to FFN, but has issues. When it works, it's great. As with many of these sites, you simply enter the link of the work you want to download, choose your format, and save.

A better choice for FFN, as well as several other sites is StoryMaster, which works quite well for FFN, Adult Fan Fiction, and a few other sites, is a bit different, in that your result is emailed to you, and then you can download it. The results here are always well done; I've not been disappointed yet. I only wish it worked for more sites,

FanFiction Downlaoder has an extensive list of supported sites, including AOO, The Hex Files, FFN, Literotica, Fiction Press, and Trek Universe. As with many others, it will not work on stories from LiveJournal.

Squee!book is a site which supposedly turns a website into something more along the lines of an actual book. You have to load each chapters link of multi-part stories (from some sites) one by one, which is a huge pain in the ass.  And there are still some large bugs, not least of which is the fact that even after loading all of those, they don't always transfer, and your work is for naught. However, on some sites, it works perfectly well; user be warned.

Online-Convert is a multi-use site, which offers file conversion of all types. Audio, video, image, document, and ebook. I use the ebook converter all the time. It is especially handy for those Live Journal stories, when my only option is to cut and paste. A pdf document is quickly converted into a mobi or epub file, or vice versa.

I've also used an app called dotEpub, a software that allows you to convert any webpage to an epub with one click. Unfortunately, it does not work with LiveJournal.

All of these are free sites, although a few offer upgrades. Good luck!

Fan-fiction Has Stolen My Brain

I am not sure exactly when, but sometime before Christmas, I began reading Harry Potter fan-fiction online. Primarily, Drarry  and other slash fictions. And I've not stopped since. My brain, my life, my time, has been taken over... 

I hear some of you asking "WTH is she talking about? Slash? Drarry?" In fandom terms, Slash is "a type of fic, often written by women, involving romantic or sexual involvement between two characters of the same gender. The term originates from early Star Trek fandom, namely "Kirk/Spock" stories -- the term "slash" comes from the slash (/) placed between the names of the characters involved".  Drarry is the pairing of Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, combining their names.

What, exactly is the point of all of this? I have no idea. As I said, my brain has been invaded, stolen, by fan-fics. I'm alternately deeply enthralled by wonderful writing and great stories, some with truly excellent sex scenes, and highly annoyed by poor grammar, atrocious spelling and the worst romances I've seen. And I have read some bad romance novels in my time, people.

What amazes me each time I go onto FanFiction.net or Archive Of Our Own to look for new stories is how many are out there. How many people are writing about the things they love, creating worlds where the characters they love do all sorts of things. Where Sherlock and The Doctor have tea, or The Monkees hang out with Mozart. Worlds where the cast of Harry Potter interacts with the Twilight gang, or Sookie & Eric are running away from Buffy. True, some of the stories are awful, but that's a risk you take when reading anything new. And I'm having fun. Isn't that what matters?

Besides, I kinda like the idea of Sherlock & The Doctor being friends. Makes perfect sense to me...

 

Talk Nerdy To Me

Let's talk about nerd-dom. My nerdiness. It's my blog, nobody reads it but me, I'll talk about what I want, and you can't do a thing to stop me, nyah-nyah-nyah. I can write all about how I spend way too much time reading Drarry fanfiction, or watching Glee (or listening to music from Glee while reading Drarry stories--that's the best!), and nobody would care! Ah, the joys of the internet.

But first, I must point out that I am not a geek, or a dork. A geek is smart enough to create and fix things like computers, etc., and I am not. A dork doesn't really get anything. A nerd both understands and is into really cool stuff. That's me.

Yes, I do enjoy Harry Potter fanfiction, and I do not care if you think that makes me a nerd, because I embraced my nerdiness way back in Junior High when I sang a Barry Manilow song in front of the entire school. Yes, I am THAT big a nerd. I am a Barry Manilow-loving, Doctor Who-watching, Firefly-missing, Sherlock-worshipping, fanfiction-reading, nerd. And I am damn proud of it. In some respects, I guess this makes me a hipster, because I was dorky long before it was cool, and I was happy being this way. I've never really wanted to be anything but who I am.

In high school, I had good friends, and while we weren't the popular crowd, we got along with everyone, and we had a ton of fun. We were primarily choir and theater geeks, and most of us made good grades as well. At the time I thought we were all staying away from drugs and alcohol, although I know now that wasn't true for all of us; either way, we had a lot of fun just being totally stupid, as teenagers tend to do. I never remember wanting to be any "cooler" than we were; I thought we were fabulous then, and I still do. Mostly. Except for the friend I've since discovered was stoned pretty much since eighth grade. That just pisses me off, although it does explain a bit about him.

In college, it was pretty much the same. Weird friends, just older. Different states, different things, and eventually, a bit of that alcohol. Either way, we were all some kind of misfit toy, and it worked.

Anyway. All these years later, even with Michele gone, I am still listening to Barry, still spending most of my Friday nights watching bad movies and occasionally eating pizza. Not the same movie anymore, thank god. And nobody will let me get Hawaiian pizza anymore, which is okay, since I've had my fill.

I'm still a nerd. If I had friends nearby, I'm sure we'd be sitting around a coffee shop somewhere, laughing until one of us spit coffee out our nose. Heaven for me will involve lots of time in cozy cafes with Michele, Elissa, Louis, Doug, Andy, Demere, Marina, Christopher, Lori & Don, Marty, Eric, Kathy, Karen, Leslie, Kenny, Wes, Teri, Monica, Fay, and so many more. Lots of time just being nerdy with the friends I love.

Tell Me a Story

It's been nearly two months since my last post. I am a slacker. In my defense, I DID spend two weeks of that time without vision, after I scratched my eyeball and had to go without contacts while it healed. Since I don't have a pair of glasses at the moment (and for some reason, we never found time to make it to the nearest vision center), and I am blind as the proverbial bat (without the great hearing), I was pretty much stuck in a chair, doing nothing.

"But, Jonna," I hear you ask, "How is that any different than your normal, everyday, vision-filled life?"

Yeah, shut up.

I know I'm a slacker, you know I'm a slacker, we all know, Jonna's a slacker. Old news. They don't call me the Queen of Procrastination for nothing! My friend and fellow blogger/slacker, Tara of tarapieceofpaper went seven months between posts, and she actually has a life and stuff to write about, so I don't feel so bad!

Anyway. While blind, or blurry, I discovered that audio books are actually kinda nifty, if the person reading them doesn't sound like Daffy Duck. Until now the only experience I had with them was listening to a few celebs read their memoirs, which I enjoyed. Craig Ferguson, my favorite comedian and talk show host, has written two books, and I own his memoir on tape. This time, I broadened my horizons, first trying a book I was halfway through reading. I had to give that up, because the reader was terrible. I am assuming she is related to the author or sleeping with the producer, because otherwise, nobody would hire her to read for a living. Remember the actress with the horrible voice in "Singin' In the Rain?" Yeah. This was her, only younger, and with a Southern accent.

So I gave up on that book and moved on to others, all of which were better, I am happy to say. My choices ranged from new age (Depak Choprah) to Stephen Fry reading short stories, to poetry collections, and podcasts. And I listened to Carol Burnett read her memoirs, too. She's always been one of my hero, so that was wonderful!

Now, I can see again, but I've not given up on audio books. It's so nice to have someone else read to me for a change. When insomnia strikes, as it often does, I just slip on my headphones, lay in the dark, and a soft voice tells me a story. Who wouldn't love that?

Book Review: I Think I Love You

 

I Think I Love You by Allison Pearson 
You'd expect a book about teens in love with David Cassidy to be light and full of air, a pop song of a novel, wouldn't you? Well, that is not at all what the reader gets with this book. The story of Petra, who as a teenager in a small Welsh town, who along with her best friend Sharon, enters The Ultimate David Cassidy Quiz contest in hopes of winning a meting with their idol. Petra's mother is staunchly against all forms of popular culture the family doesn't even have a television and so Petra must hide her devotion to Cassidy, as well as her plans to see the man in concert in London. Years later, after her mother's death, she discovers a letter in her mother's things, telling her that she'd won that contest back in 1974; in a rush of grief, Petra calls the publishing company and demands her prize.

 

Intertwined with Petra's story is that of Bill, a writer at the magazine sponsoring the contest, who in many senses becomes David Cassidy for the fans. He writes the letters the teenyboppers think are from David, using his poetic and musical heart to win their love. Bill even behaves like a prince at the concert where he and Petra unknowingly cross paths.

 

Years later, as adults, they cross paths again, as Bill's publisher sends Petra and Sharon to Las Vegas to see David Cassidy, fulfilling their adolescent dreams. The plot sounds simple, but like a good pop song, there are layers. Upon layers. Love, anguish, teenage and adult heartbreak, music, poetry, and friendship. I didn't expect it, but I am so glad I found it. Allison Pearson, I think I love you.

 

Book Review: Potboiler

Potboiler by Jesse Kellerman

 Twice this week I've read a book in one sitting, and both books came from the same DNA. The first was the newest Alex Delaware book by Jonathan Kellerman; the second was written by his son, Jesse Kellerman.

This novel, 'Potboiler,' is a strange twist on a post-Cold War spy novel, combining the intrigue of conspiracy theory and fancy techno-gadgets with the annoying literary babble of academia.
The story opens with the death of a famous writer, and his long-time friend, our narrator, attending his memorial service. Arthur then discovers that an unfinished, unread manuscript has been left behind, and he takes it. Unable to resist temptation, Arthur edits it a bit, and publishes this as his own; it becomes a bestseller, and he soon discovers lots of things he did not know about his dear departed friend Bill. For example: he's a spy, and his novels are carefully coded to give instructions to agents around the world. By changing his last book, Arthur has messed things up, and now must either go to work for The Boys, or pay the price.
With character names I can't spell, let alone pronounce, a fictional communist country divided over the burial place of a hero from their national poem, and lots of root vegetables, I was drawn in by the story, and yet had occasion to laugh. James Bond would never glue his false mustache on upside down; then again, Bond wouldn't need a false mustache!
I will be looking forward to the next book from Mr. Kellerman, and checking every "beach read" from now on for spy code, just in case.

 

Fifty Shades of Me

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A Howling

I'm writing this post on an airplane to Grand Junction, where tomorrow we're having a memorial service for Michele. Whenever mother called to tell me of the service, and ask if I would like to say something, there was never any doubt in my mind. Yes.
That was just over a week ago, and I am still unsure what I'll be saying tomorrow.

Since Michele died in April, there has been a gaping hole in my life. A small tear that opened when she first told me she was sick, and grew larger with each progression of theater, until that day when she was gone. Leaving this rent in the fabric of my world. Our world, for there are many of us grieving her.
I've tried to read books by others who have lost loved ones, but never repast the first few chapters. Then I either begin crying so hard I can no longer see the page, or I become annoyed at the self-righteous tone taken by some, and my anger overflows. Either way , I end up crying.
While reading 'Wild'  by Cheryl Strayed, a memoir about a woman who hikes the Pacific Crest Trail after her mother dies of cancer, I stumbled on a passage that summed up exactly how I have felt in the last year.
"I almost howled in agony. I almost choked to death on what I knew.... I was going to live the rest of my life without my mother."
Strayed says she felt this way from the moment her mother received her diagnosis; her cancer was so advanced there was no hope. Yet for me, these words say exactly how I have felt since I received that phone call, saying Shel was gone.
Inside my mind, my soul, there is a constant howling, a never ending scream of pain and sadness, loss and grief. The person I loved most in the world is gone, and I am alone. For the rest of my life.
We will never race wheelchairs through the rest home, and annoy the nurses. We'll never make it to see Barry Manilow sing in Vegas, or do our Copa dance wearing the feathered hats we made. I'll have to sit through the next class reunion alone. And without her, I have nobody to call and tell my life to.
Every day I miss her. That will never end. I believe the noise of grief inside me will quiet down; I'm hoping tomorrow's memorial will help with that.
Until we are together again, I will grieve. I miss you, Michele.

Insomnia

I really should be in bed. Instead I'm sitting in the living room, watching 'The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson' and writing. I haven't been sleeping well lately. So, I apologize if I begin to ramble. Sleep deprivation will do that to you!

Insomnia isn't a new thing for me--it started way back at the dawn of time, when I was in high school. Always the same pattern. I fall asleep easily enough, and sleep well for a few hours. Then, usually about 2:30 a.m., I wake up, needing to pee, and after that, I'm awake for hours.

Sometimes I'll be able to fall back asleep for an hour or two, but my twitchy feet usually watch me back up.

Oh, yeah, did I mention I have RLS? Restless Leg Syndrome. It's a pain is the ass (or rather, legs) neurological condition that causes a tickling feeling in the legs or in my case, the bottoms of my feet. It makes my legs jerk so hard sometimes that I kick like a horse! Nobody is really sure what causes it, but we do know that many things make it worse; among these are the anti-seizure medication that I'm on. Yep. Finally found a med which will control my seizures (whoo-hoo!), and it makes my feet go crazy, causing an increase in insomnia. Wouldn't you know, lack of sleep is a BIG trigger for me & seizures...

Anyway.

I've tried all sorts of insomnia remedies: medication, bedtime yoga, Sleepytime tea, self-hypnosis, melatonin & Valerian, and a white noise machine. Not many have been successful for long. I've heard all the advice, and have tried most of it, to little avail. I simply don't sleep.

I've also tried many many remedies for RLS, most of them home remedies found online. So far none have worked for long. I've taken magnesium citrate before bed; I've rubbed my legs & lower back down with apple cider vinegar; I've done a series of strange exercises in the dark. The thing that worked the best was eliminating caffeine & sugar from my diet, which I did to get rid of migraines. Discovered it helped the feet. Of course, now I'm back on the coffee wagon, (or did I fall off the wagon?), so I may have to fix that... I do know there are a couple of medications available for RLS, but so far, I haven't tried them. Didn't want to add one more med to my already large collection. If things don't improve, I may change my mind.

There was a time when I'd get out of bed and clean my apartment in the middle of the night, but those days are gone. (We have neighbors here who are very sensitive to noise, and even running water after ten seems to annoy them, so no more scrubbing the bathroom or rearranging kitchen cabinets!) Some nights I turn on my bedside lamp, pick up my book and read; other night I get online and discover strange new blogs. Most nights I simply lie in the dark, listening to the fake ocean sounds from the white noise machine, trying to count backward from one hundred, as I take deep, even breaths, and hope I'll relax enough to to fall asleep again.

Tonight I'm going to finish watching Craig Ferguson, then stay up as late as I can, in hopes that I can reset my inner alarm clock a little, or at least throw it off balance. And then, with any luck, I'll get some sleep, dammit!