I'm Not Tom Cruise. I'm Taller.

A few days ago in a post titled 'Bubble Meds, Anyone?,' I stated that I detest anti-depressant medications. I got several rather obnoxious comments about this (which I have been deleted, because I don't want hate here), all telling me how evil and stupid I am to not recognize the wonders that are done by these medications. One commenter even compared me to Tom Cruise ranting on Oprah!

Let me say right now that the only similarities between Tom Cruise & I are height. And a sofa.

Anti-depressants, and medications as a whole, are a good thing. I know lots of folks whose lives are vastly improved by their blend of prescription drugs. Heck, if it weren't for the varied anti-seizure meds I've been on since I was 16, I'd not be able to function. It's quite possible that without those medications I'd be dead now. These medications save lives. I know that.

My issue with anti-depressants in the past has been simply that I've not yet found one that works for me. And of course, I want the quick fix. I'm not a patient person when it comes to medications--I want my pain-killers & cough syrups to work NOW!!! When the happy pills didn't make me happy as soon as I swallowed, well, I gave up. I was young, I had time to wait for the bad feelings to go away. It wasn't a matter of strength, so much as patience & time.

I'm not that young anymore. Many, many things have changed since the last time I had an episode of major depression. Back then I was living with my parents, I had no one depending on me for anything, my health was much better, and my stress level was lower. Now I'm living with my fiance and we are trying to start a business, my health is not good (although my seizures are controlled!), I'm in charge of a household. (Yes, I am!)

Stress, well, stress is high. My best friend, Michele, who just came through breast cancer with a smile on her face has been sick for the last few months. Two weeks ago they found Stage Four cancer in her bone marrow, the bones on her back, and a spot on her lungs. She began chemo last week. I want to be there holding her hand right now, but don't have the money for my passport, much less a plane ticket to Toronto, where she lives. (Her mom is there, so she has help.) But can you understand why my stress level just flew up?

Anyway. My point is that I do not have anything against these medications or the people who take them. I'm not looking for a quick fix this time; I'm willing to be patient.

But if Tom Cruise shows up, telling me all I need are vitamins & exercise to fix my depression, there's gonna be one less Scientologist in the world.

Read This Book!

I've spent the last two weeks obsessed with Jennette Fulda. I began by reading an excerpt of her newest book, Chocolate and Vicodin:My Quest For Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away, and then searched out her first book, Half-Assed: A Weight-Loss Memoir at the library. This led me to the blog she's known for, http://pastaqueen.com/blog/. It's been difficult to tear myself away. 

Jennette, at her heaviest, weighed nearly 400 pounds, and by changing her eating habits & exercise, she lost half her body weight! I loved reading her stories of this change, partially because she's honest, and not one bit self-righteous, but mostly because she's just plain funny. I laughed out loud (lol) when she says "I felt confident enough to sign up for a 5K race. The former fat-girl bylaws dictate that you must run a 5K or you will be forced to gain back all the weight." Seems that every formerly fat-girl I know is now running 5k's and I think perhaps that's why I'm still fat. I don't want to run.

Jennette's second book, Chocolate and Vicodin is in stores now. It's the story of the headache that wouldn't go away. In February 2008, she got a headache, and has been searching for a cure ever since. Chronic pain is nothing to laugh at, yet she manages to make it funny; the woman has a gift.

Now, I haven't had a chance to read the book yet; it was just released last month, and I am too broke to purchase it. (It is on hold at the library, and my birthday is coming up, so..) I have read a couple of excerpts and the blog, and I must say, I am feeling very in sync with Jennette.

In the search of a cure for never-ending headache pain, she's given a number of medications, and I have personal knowledge of several of these. The section of her blog that put my feelings into words is quoted below.

"To complicate things further, although the Topamax was making it easier to eat less, it was also making me stupid. It’s nicknamed “Stupamax” and “Dopamax.” It made it harder to speak right, like someone had placed the English language on the top shelf where it was just out of my reach. I could still see it, but I had to stand on my tippy toes to grab words, and even then I was just knocking them over instead of grabbing them firmly. I just felt…dumb. I found myself unable to focus as well. It put a damper on my mood. The crazy switch was turned off, but the stupid switch was turned on."

- http://pastaqueen.com/blog/2008/07/why-diet-pills-are-not-the-answer-unless-they-cure-your-headache/ July11, 2008

I took Topamax for nearly 4 years, as an anti-seizure medication, and hoo-boy, do I remember that feeling. When I couldn't find the words I wanted I used to say my brain was skipping, like a scratched record. My neurologist would test me to see how my verbal skills were, and eventually, as they deteriorated, and the Topamax wasn't controlling the seizures, we switched meds. Right now I'm on a very low dose of it again, to help with chronic headaches (ugh), and I'm skipping every so often. But it is helping me lose weight.

Jennette Fulda writes in a real & humorous manner about things that are happening in her life. It's feels like talking to a friend. I think this is why I've been unable to tear myself away from her blog archives for the last two weeks--I was getting to know my new friend! She's smart, snarky, strong and talented. Read her books! I promise you won't be disappointed.

Bubble Meds, Anyone?

I spent most of yesterday in tears. And dressed in one of my least attractive outfits, which didn't help how I felt at all.

It's been years since I swam in the swimming pool of Major Depression, but it seems that when I wasn't looking, I put on my suit & dove in. Last Fall I argued with my doctor about whether my sleeplessness was caused by depression; next week I'll be asking for a new anti-depressant.

For the record, I detest these meds. In the past, between feeling EVERYTHING and feeling nothing, I've chosen everything. It seemed as if tears & darkness were a better option then. And I always had the time & strength to pull myself out of it. I don't feel that way anymore. Maybe it's because I'm older, maybe it's because there are so many other things going on, maybe it's because I'm just so frikkin tired. I don't think I could pull myself back. So I'll ask for help, and take the damn pills. And if that means I don't feel anything, well, so be it. Life wrapped in bubble wrap could be fun, huh?

Feelin' Stupid... On A Saturday Afternoon

It started out as a completely normal day. Woke up and had a cup of coffee while checking Facebook. Had a yummy strawberry-spinach smoothie for breakfast, read some pages on the blog I'm currently obsessed with, took a shower. Used my new fancy blow-dryer to get lovely smooth hair, which I then messed up by going to the gym & walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes!

Yes, I realize that showering before exercising is not the smartest move, but it was not my dumbest move today. It's not my normal routine.

My real stupidity kicked in when I returned to the apartment, and began to fix myself something to eat. A bowl of grapes, a Babybel cheese, and some leftover beef brisket. While my meat was warming in the microwave, I filled my water bottle and added a packet of Crystal Light drink mix. Cherry-Pomegranate flavor. It's bright red. Then I picked up my bottle & shook it.

(Can you guess what happened next?)

Suddenly, there was hot pink water everywhere! The flip top on my bottle hadn't clicked all the way shut, and I sprayed half the kitchen & myself with what is, essentially, diet Kool-Aid.

Because I was facing the counter between the fridge & stove, that area looked as if it had been painted fuchsia. I frantically took all the magnets & memorabilia off the fridge & wiped them clean, then went after the rest of the kitchen. The white wall is still faintly pink, and will require more scrubbing than I was willing to do this afternoon.

And after all that, I had to change my shirt & bra, which were both soaked in pink sticky liquid, and reheat my dinner.

Trust me, from now on, I will be sure the flip-top is secure. And I think I'll be sticking to beverages of a lighter color, just in case.

Image from Google Images.

To Sleep Or Not To Sleep

I'm betting half of what was wrong with Hamlet had nothing to do with his family issues and more to do with lack of sleep. It couldn't have been easy, finding a comfy bed in a drafty Danish castle in the olden days. Then when you add in all the stress of murder, suicide & having to remember all those soliloquies, well, no wonder the guy was crazy!

Me, well, I'm not nuts. Yet. No murder. No suicide. Slightly crazy family, but that's nothing new!

I am sleeping, in a way. But I'm not sure I care for the way I'm getting this sleep. It feels...wrong.

Let me explain.

The other night, as I explained in my last post, I stayed up way past my normal bedtime, hoping to upset my inner alarm clock & trick the RLS demons so I could sleep. When I hit the hay at 2 a.m., I did my usual bedtime routine: washed my face, brushed my teeth, slathered on lotion, took my nighttime dose of meds. I also took a benadryl, because I'd been feeling kinda itchy. I read in bed (Hey, that rhymes!) for about half an hour, then fell asleep--and stayed that way until ten the next morning!

(In my head, Barry Manilow is singing "It's A Miracle!")

But it really wasn't a miracle. Last night I went to bed at my usual time. I was totally relaxed, having taken a warm soothing shower, sprayed the sheets with lavender, and taken another benadryl. But I still woke up at my usual time, all twitchy, and frustrated.

Extra frustrated, in fact. Because by last night I was supposed to be on medication to fix this damn problem, and instead, I'm still twitching. All because of stupid traffic.

Again, let me explain.

I live in Vancouver, WA. My doctor's office is in Portland, about a 30 minute drive away in normal traffic. I started seeing this doctor when I lived on that side of tow, and haven't wanted to change. Until now. Yesterday Steven & I drove all the way across town in the rain for an appointment with this "doctor." She's actually a nurse practitioner, which is fine. We got stuck in traffic in downtown Portland, and then again in construction near her office, and I ended up being 15 minutes late. So they wouldn't see me, and had no one else who could see me. Now every time I'm there, I wait at least 15 minutes, but they won't see me because I'm late?! Unbelievable. I was so ticked off & frustrated I almost cried. Just wasted an entire afternoon, not to mention the end of our tank of gas driving over there, and for nothing.

This "doctor" has been getting on my nerves anyway, so clearly it's time to find a new GP. I loved the woman I started with, Dr. Donohue, but she left, and OHSU stuck me with this chicky, who we'll call AM. She's nice enough, but she's very young, and keeps second guessing me. Seriously, there are some times when I know what it is that's wrong, and what it is I need. The insomnia/depression issue is one place AM & I have clashed over & over.

I am 42-years-old. I have suffered from bouts of insomnia since I was in college, and bouts of depression since junior high. Trust me, I know when I'm not sleeping because I'm depressed, or when I'm not sleeping because I just can't sleep, dammit! But last summer when I was not sleeping, having fierce migraines & was scared I'd have a seizure because of it (which I did), she refused to give me more than a weeks worth of any kind of sleep aid, saying I was depressed, and that was why I wasn't sleeping. Depressed, no. Angry, yes. And after I had that seizure in August, totally pissed, both at her, and myself. I'd gone almost a year without one, and then, because I was having such horrid wrenching headaches, I missed 4 days worth of meds, and BAM! Then I was a bit depressed.

Anyway.

So last night I scrambled to find something that would put me back to sleep at 3 in the morning, and finally discovered a few more benadryl in the bottom of a purse. It should be enough to tide me over until I can talk to my neurologist, or get in to see new doctor for that RLS med. Either way, I guess I'll be staying up later, since it doesn't appear to work if taken at 10. So I'll be watching Craig Ferguson late, instead of with my morning coffee. Should be fine.

If I start mumbling lines from Shakespeare, though, lookout!

Insomnia

I really should be in bed. Instead I'm sitting in the living room, watching 'The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson' and writing. I haven't been sleeping well lately. So, I apologize if I begin to ramble. Sleep deprivation will do that to you!

Insomnia isn't a new thing for me--it started way back at the dawn of time, when I was in high school. Always the same pattern. I fall asleep easily enough, and sleep well for a few hours. Then, usually about 2:30 a.m., I wake up, needing to pee, and after that, I'm awake for hours.

Sometimes I'll be able to fall back asleep for an hour or two, but my twitchy feet usually watch me back up.

Oh, yeah, did I mention I have RLS? Restless Leg Syndrome. It's a pain is the ass (or rather, legs) neurological condition that causes a tickling feeling in the legs or in my case, the bottoms of my feet. It makes my legs jerk so hard sometimes that I kick like a horse! Nobody is really sure what causes it, but we do know that many things make it worse; among these are the anti-seizure medication that I'm on. Yep. Finally found a med which will control my seizures (whoo-hoo!), and it makes my feet go crazy, causing an increase in insomnia. Wouldn't you know, lack of sleep is a BIG trigger for me & seizures...

Anyway.

I've tried all sorts of insomnia remedies: medication, bedtime yoga, Sleepytime tea, self-hypnosis, melatonin & Valerian, and a white noise machine. Not many have been successful for long. I've heard all the advice, and have tried most of it, to little avail. I simply don't sleep.

I've also tried many many remedies for RLS, most of them home remedies found online. So far none have worked for long. I've taken magnesium citrate before bed; I've rubbed my legs & lower back down with apple cider vinegar; I've done a series of strange exercises in the dark. The thing that worked the best was eliminating caffeine & sugar from my diet, which I did to get rid of migraines. Discovered it helped the feet. Of course, now I'm back on the coffee wagon, (or did I fall off the wagon?), so I may have to fix that... I do know there are a couple of medications available for RLS, but so far, I haven't tried them. Didn't want to add one more med to my already large collection. If things don't improve, I may change my mind.

There was a time when I'd get out of bed and clean my apartment in the middle of the night, but those days are gone. (We have neighbors here who are very sensitive to noise, and even running water after ten seems to annoy them, so no more scrubbing the bathroom or rearranging kitchen cabinets!) Some nights I turn on my bedside lamp, pick up my book and read; other night I get online and discover strange new blogs. Most nights I simply lie in the dark, listening to the fake ocean sounds from the white noise machine, trying to count backward from one hundred, as I take deep, even breaths, and hope I'll relax enough to to fall asleep again.

Tonight I'm going to finish watching Craig Ferguson, then stay up as late as I can, in hopes that I can reset my inner alarm clock a little, or at least throw it off balance. And then, with any luck, I'll get some sleep, dammit!