Call Me Grinchy

It's not even Thanksgiving yet, and I'm already sick of the holiday season. There was a time I liked Christmas music, as well as the Christmas season. Many things have ruined that for me, primarily the over-commerciallization of what should be a happy time. The commercials began before Halloween, and I am not as fast with the mute button on the remote as I'd like to be, so I keep hearing the carols over and over. I now throughly detest 'Carol of the Bells.' If I am ever captured by terrorists, all they'd have to do is threaten to play that song over and over again, and I'd break.

Of course, being a single woman at the holidays is never any fun. Everything is aimed at families, or couples, or children. The only ads aimed at singles are those for couples, telling us that every kiss begins with k. (Duh.)

I am a woman in the middle of her life, no children, no job, poor-to-middling health, and at this point no pets. I don't have a home of my own to decorate, family meals to host or prepare, parties to attend, or even many people to send cards to.

Wow. That sounds more pathetic than I intended it to, and much more pathetic than my life actually is. Sure, things aren't all roses and lollipops these days, but frankly, I'm not all that fond of roses or lollipops! I like tulips and lemondrops!  I started this post to whine a bit about how annoyed I am about how commercial the holidays have become, and I lost my train of thought.

I'm going to go now, and watch 'A Charlie Brown Christmas.' It's still the only holiday television show that reflects the true meaning of the season. Plus, the music is awesome. And I love the way they all dance.

Not sleeping, not so beautiful.

The long-awaited sleep study took place last week, at Providence Milwaukie Hospital's Sleep Lab (and I am just now writing about it because I am the Queen of Procrastination!). It's always fun, going to a strange place at night, being told to put your pyjamas on, watch a video, and then get a bunch of wires attached to your body. I'd recommend it to everyone looking for a groovy night out. I was pretty sure I'd have trouble sleeping while wired up, since I have issues sleeping in my own bed, with my own stuff touching me. How was sleeping with wires taped to my calves and head, strapped to my chest & waist, and (worst of all) a little prong-thingy in my nose going to be possible?!

 

[caption id="attachment_1077" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Not only did the wires totally f#*k up my hair, the one on my chin itched, and the ones in my nose were frigging' ANNOYING![/caption]

Oddly enough, I was able to sleep. Which probably shouldn't surprise me, since my life is just that weird. I didn't sleep WELL, but I did sleep. The next morning, it was confirmed that I do not have sleep apnea (which I was pretty sure I didn't anyway), but that I'd never gone into REM sleep, and that my RLS had been active all night. I'm not sure yet what these things mean, since I've not spoken to the doctor about this, yet, but that no-REM-sleep-thing can't be good, can it?

On another note, I did see the doctor about my sore ankle and bad ear. A visit to Dr. Jeff, with his pointy shoes and metrosexual style, is always a pleasure, and not just because he's a snazzy dresser. He's a good doctor, pays attention to what I'm saying, and takes care of things right away. This time, he sent me to physical therapy to work on getting my ankle fixed, and gave me ear drops for the infection I didn't even know I had. I've had trouble with my left ear for the last year, ever since I got water in it, and over the last month it had hurt off and on. Now, I'm putting in ear drops four times a day, and with luck, will feel better soon.  Big fun.

Sleeping Beauty

I got up early this morning to head across town to the Oregon Clinic for a consultation in their sleep department. My sleep issues are annoying, so the doctor sent me for a sleep study, and this guy today is the one who decides if I need that study. I had a short physical exam, answered a lot of questions, and discussed my sleep hygiene. -"The bed is for sleep and intimacy only. Establish a consistent bedtime and rise time."  Things like that. I'll be doing a sleep study soon, and until then, keeping a sleep diary, as well as working on this sleep hygiene. 

Sleep has always been so difficult for me. I spend hours each night tossing and turning, wishing my brain would shut the hell up so I can sleep. Over the years I've learned how to make sure my room is the right temperature--I cannot sleep in a warm room--as well as well-ventilated. I have used white noise machines, ocean and nature music on my iPod to block out all the noises in the house. These days I sleep with earplugs, and they work much better than the white noise ever did. There are so many types of earplugs; I discovered an entire website devoted to them, which surprised me.  I am still searching for the perfect plugs; my ears are small, and the foam plugs hurt to sleep in. I am using silicon earplugs right now, and while they don't block as much noise as the foam, they are much more comfortable. Finding decent pj's is a pain, as well. I am very picky, and I am fat; this makes it nearly impossible to find something to sleep in that isn't decorated with Disney characters or sports logos. Not sure why the marketing world thinks that all women over a size 12 want to go to bed dressed like Minnie Mouse or Hello Kitty, but it gets on my nerves. All I want is a pair of simple, cotton pyjamas in basic colors--pink, blue, white, green, purple. Stripes, maybe dots or floral, but nothing else. I'm going to have to make my own, I've determined. Big fun. 

I do love my sleep mask, though. It's pink and black, with embroidered closed eyes with long lashes on the front. Wearing it, I feel like Audrey in Breakfast At Tiffany's. Somehow, I'm always able to sleep better in it, plus, I feel so glamorous! 

As I embark on yet another change in my life, and try to sort out my sleep habits, I'm hoping that this will be a good thing. And that I can finally get pyjamas I like. 

Dejection

I know that nearly everyone on the internet has written something about death and depression in the last week, and so I hesitated to write this. After all, I don't want to be like everyone else, now do I? But frankly, the issues I'm writing about here have been on my mind for much longer than a week or two, and Robin Williams' death only served to bring some of them to public attention again. I haven't posted since the end of July, and these mental health issues are why.

I don't feel much these days and it is causing me to do some big thinking. I've no problem with anger; getting angry is easy. But everything else is nearly impossible. I know what started this, but how to fix it is a whole other kettle of fish. I don't trust emotions much any more, especially since I am not feeling that many of them, and when I do, they are bad. I've always let my heart, or my "gut" guide me, and for the most part, it's gotten me in trouble. It started with Steven, and all the crap he put me through, and then got worse after Michele died. Her death, and especially her memorial service were very difficult for me; even though we knew she wasn't going to make it. But that service just about killed me. I physically shut down, was ill for nearly days. I ended up spending most of the time I was in my home town in bed, rather than seeing people, which I regret. Losing her, my best friend for over 30 years, was devastating. I miss her every day. 

 I'm spending too much time wanting to sleep, hide in my room, or just vanish into my mind these days, and it worries me. They say if you're worried about the state of your mental health, then there's nothing to worry about, but I am not sure that's true. I can worry about having a panic attack and still have one (or two or three); I can be nervous that I'll not make it through the week without a slightly manic episode (I've not been diagnosed, but I likely have low-grade bipolar disorder 2) and still have one and end up spending money that I don't have, or something else I shouldn't do. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder --also known as Clinical Depression-- along with a type of seasonal affective disorder. I'm just a bunch of fun. I fight against demons of health, physical and mental, every day, and it's getting really old. There are days I just feel like giving in, finding a nice looney bin and checking myself in. While I was watching television the other night, I was almost jealous of the guy in the mental health treatment center; he looked so content. Part of me just wants to climb inside my mind and hide forever. Of course, that is kind of what I am doing these days, isn't it? I just hide in books, and movies, and internet crap. 

I am scared of so much--things I was never afraid of before. Anxious and worried so much of the time. I want to stay in bed. When I think about going out, I start getting nervous, and if I think about it too long, the panic attack starts. My heart starts racing, I start tracing, I feel faint, can't breathe, and my fingers get tingly. Then all I can do is close my eyes, take deep breaths, and hide somewhere private until it passes. It's easier to stay in my room. 

Reading Coleridge doesn't help, though...

 

 

 

 

Gone, Google, Gone

It's been a month now, as Max reminded me today. Miss Google has been gone for a month. Five weeks, actually. I miss her terribly. Her meow, her warm presence at the foot of my bed, the way she always curled up on top of whatever I was reading, her constant presence in my life. Every time  I get up in the night, I go to the back window, hoping to see her sitting on the porch railing, waiting for someone to let her in; every time I let Daisy in or out, I hope she'll be there, wanting me to let her in as well. But no such luck. My baby is gone. I only hope that where ever she ended up, she's happy. If she was killed, it was not painful, or slow. That if she's in pet heaven, she's hanging out with Belle and Cat-Cat, having tuna and cream. If she's with a  new family, they are treating her well, and she loves them. I'll miss her forever.

There's a moment.

Jenny just said pretty much everything I've been wanting to say this week. Right now I'm having a difficult time remembering that there is light on the other side, that things will be better, that it won;t always hurt this much. And I appreciate that I am not the only one trudging. Wait for me, please?

Sad Sunday

I'm sad today. Part of me is missing, has been for days. My kitty, MissGoogle, went out in the backyard Thursday afternoon, and hasn't been back since. We've looked all up and down the block for her, asked all the neighbors, asked the county humane society, and there is no sign of her. She's wearing her collar and tag, as always, but nary a call has come in.

MissG has been with me since 2009. She was so tiny, so cute, and I fell in love with her from the moment we met.

Everybody loved her. She has always been able to squirm her way into strange hiding places, as well as people's hearts. Even my dad likes her, and he claims to hate cats. She's gotten bigger, of course, and is kinda chubby these days. Jolene calls her Google McFatty, but in a nice way. Max looks at her two or three times a day, and asks "Hey, Google, search Max" and if she looks at him, he says she's done it right.

Without my baby girl, my room seems empty, and my heart is broken. I can onlyhope she comes home soon.





 

Blah Blah Blah

It's been a painful week for me. Since last Monday afternoon, I've had neck pain, sore shoulders, and increasing headache pain. From the basic dull ache at the base of my skull (which always comes with that sore neck), to a series of intense stabbing pains. This afternoon I felt as if someone was repeatedly piercing my temple with a red-hot ice pick. I've spent hours days curled up under my quilt in bed, all the lights off, praying for the pain to go away. Never have I been so thankful for my sleep mask and ear plugs, because lights, and the sound of sports from my father's television, have nearly killed me. And then, Sunday night, around 10:30, I had a seizure. First one since February. Which means that after that, I had a bigger headache, my tongue hurts where I bit it, and I'm tired. As well, I am sore all over; my legs hurt the most, and just moving kills.



So. Instead of spending this week helping Charlie move into his new apartment, like I had planned, I'm sitting here in my room, watching television, eating jello. Reading. Right now I'm waiting for the season premiere of one of my favorite shows to begin on TNT. Rizzoli & Isles is a crime drama based on a book series, as most of my favorites are. I'd read all of the books by Tess Gerritsen, long before the show began.

Most of my favorite shows are based on books. Sherlock. True Blood. Dexter. Bones (although I don't care for the books).  My favorite movies, too. Cold Comfort Farm. The Color Purple.  Bridget Jones Diary. The Harry Potter films. Sense and Sensibility. And Pride and Prejudice. Oh, and To Kill A Mockingbird!

Yes, I'm babbling. So what. Go read a book if you don't like it. Or watch a television show based on one.

Getting To Know Me...

Recently I came across this list of questions on a blog, and decided to post them, and their answers, simply because I like talking about myself, and can never do it enough!

Getting to know me:

1.  What time did you get up this morning?  I woke up around 7, the first time, and went back to sleep, finally getting out of bed just before 10.


2.  How do you like your steak? Rare, with A-1!


3.  What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Magic Mike!


4.  What is your favorite TV show? Tie between True Blood, Sherlock & Bones. Although I've not watched Bones at all this season...


5.  If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I'd love to live on a Coast, near the ocean. Always been my dream. Or back in New Mexico.


6.  What did you have for breakfast? Today was a strange day: I had tuna & Triscuits for breakfast, and my smoothie for lunch.


7. What is your favorite cuisine? Toss up between Chinese/Asian and Italian, depending on my mood.


8.  What foods do you dislike?  "Goopy" foods, like potato salad, coleslaw- almost anything mayonnaise based. My mother apparently makes great potato salad, and always asks if I want some. 46 years, and I've always said "EWW, gross, no!!" You think she'd stop asking.


9. Favorite Place to Eat? Olive Garden, or the Tik Tok Diner.


10.  Favorite dressing? real Cesar dressing.


11.  What kind of vehicle do you drive? I don't drive anymore: my last car was a Honda Accord. My dream car would either be something retro, like a '57 Chevy, or something small & green, like a mini Cooper or a Bug. Painted a fabulous color, of course!


12. What are your favorite clothes?  Comfort is my watch word--I love yoga pants, leggings, tee shirts, big sweaters, cardigans and fuzzy socks.


13.  Where would you visit if you had the chance? The Smithsonian & The Library of Congress. London and Paris. EVERYWHERE!


14.  Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Full...


15.  Where would you want to retire?  The beach...


16. Favorite time of day? I rock 11:45 a.m. like nobody's business!


17. Where were you born? Custer, South Dakota. My dad always tells me I was the cutest baby in the hospital. Then someone points out that I was the only baby in the hospital...


18.  What is your favorite sport to watch?  Um...men's figure skating.


19.  Bird watcher? Not really, although I'd love to see the California Condors in the wild.


20.  Are you a morning person or a night person? Neither one.


21.  Do you have any pets? MissGoogle, my adorable kitty.


22.  Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Cleaned my room...


23. What did you want to be when you were little?  Cher, or a teacher. I got to be a teacher. Maybe someday I'll be Cher.


24.  What is your best childhood memory?  In the back seat of our station wagon at night, Jolene asleep beside me, Mom at the wheel, watching the stars out the window as we drove down the highway, the radio playing softly, as we drove to South Dakota for our summer vacation. I always felt so safe and happy then.


25.  Are you a cat or dog person? Cat.


26.  Are you married? Not anymore.


27.  Always wear your seat belt? Yep. Saved my life once.


28.  Been in a car accident? A few, caused by my epilepsy. This is why I don't drive anymore.


29.  Any pet peeves?  I am so easily irritated, it isn't even funny.... But big ones are spitting (gross);  people who misuse "you're" & "your" "their" & "they're"; and leaf blowers.


30.  Favorite Pizza Toppings? Bacon.


31.  Favorite Flower? Tulips and roses


32. Favorite Ice cream? Almost anything...all ice cream is good! Strawberry cheesecake, pb fudge, and pralines & cream!


33. Favorite fast food restaurant? Jack In the Box, or Burgerville, if I'm feeling flush!


34.  Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Assuming I don't have to pay the bill, Powell's Books, or maybe Macy's.


35.  Broccoli? Roasted broccoli with garlic salt is one of my favorite things!


36.  What was your favorite vacation? Visiting Michele in Toronto. Also my saddest...


37.  Last person you went out to dinner with? Charlie, my ex-husband & friend.


38.  What are you listening to right now?  The Color Purple Soundtrack


39.  What is your favorite color? purple & blue.


40.  How many tattoos do you have? None, yet.


41. Coffee Drinker?  Oh, yes. I tried to give it up, but I'm weak...


42. What is your job title?  Early Childhood Educator; reader; blogger; sister; aunt; daughter; friend; Queen of Procrastination.


43.  What do you do all day?  Read, surf the web, hang out with my family, play with MissGoogle, watch tv, attempt to better myself, read some more. Listen to music. Eat.  


44. What is your favorite thing to do with your time?  READ.


45.  What book should everyone read?  I'll give ya four: The Color Purple, by Alice Waters; Welcome To The Great Mysterious by Lorna Landvik (also read Patty Jane's House of Curl, by her!); Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry; and A Prayer For Owen Meany by John Irving.


46.  What movie should every one watch?  Some Like It Hot. Marilyn Monroe, Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis.


47. What is your credo?  “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well". -Mark Twain

Letting My Hair Down

My hair is driving me crazy. Last autumn, in a fit of stupidity that I regret every day, I chopped off my longish hair (it was just barely below my shoulders) to chin-length.

[caption id="attachment_1021" align="aligncenter" width="120"] Before[/caption]

And a month or so after that, I cut it even shorter.

[caption id="attachment_1005" align="aligncenter" width="300"] After, part 1[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1003" align="aligncenter" width="300"] After, Part 2[/caption]

 

I must have been out of my mind. I hate having short hair. I think I look like a fat lesbian (not really the look I was going for, not that there's anything wrong with fat lesbians.).  Still, I've had my hair many lengths over the years, from all the way down my back to ear-length. My first big hair-cut was at age 12, when I went to the mall one day with some girlfriends, and on the spur-of-the-moment, cut it to my shoulders. Photos of me from junior high show a hair tragedy (and that;s saying something, since it was the '80's!), and in high school, it was only marginally better.

[caption id="attachment_1009" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Rhonda & Shelley both rocked the 80's big hair (this was a small-hair day), but mine just looked...nice.[/caption]

In college, I let it grow out, and was happy with it.

[caption id="attachment_1023" align="aligncenter" width="300"] I loved my hair this length. And the curls were fab![/caption]

I kept letting it grow. I had long hair for my wedding, even though the style I chose was awful!

[caption id="attachment_1025" align="aligncenter" width="218"] Long hair, but NO style![/caption]

Longer for the next few years, as well.







 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why I cut it this short, I'm still trying to figure out. I remember complaining about not being able to do anything with it, being tired of endless ponytails, but I know it was better than it is now. So one of my summer projects is to grow my hair. (Another is to clean my room, but I think my hair will be long again before that happens!) I've researched (meaning: looked at stuff on Pinterest) ways to grow hair fast, and I'm trying some out. Scalp massage, Biotin, and a type of bergamot oil are all on the list. Wish me luck. Hair shouldn't be a tragedy! 

 

 

There's A Word for That?

Migraineur:

mi·grain·eur

mēgrəˈnər,ˌmīgrā-/

noun

 someone who suffers from migraine headaches.

Earlier this week, I was doing some research online, trying to see if there was a connection between the two glasses of pseudo-Crystal Light I'd been having now that the weather is warming up and the massive migraines I'd been having, when I learned some nifty things. Such as the word migraineur. Makes sense that there's a word for people like me, but it had never occurred to me.

Reading about triggers was rather enlightening as well. I wasn't all that surprised to learn that artificial sweeteners are a big migraine trigger, since they cause all sorts of problems. I try to avoid them, preferring natural sugar, really I do. But for some reason, every summer, I go through this diet drink frenzy where I consume Crystal Light, or the fake store brand equivalent, in all it's many flavors. No more of that for me. I'd rather be fat than in pain. Sugar is a trigger for many people, but I have to consume a huge amount before it gives me a headache; same with caffeine. Alcohol, on the other hand, give me pain within an hour or two of my first cocktail. No big deal, since I've never been a big drinker. Some of the other common food triggers are chocolate, cheese (hard or fermented), processed meats, and gluten. To the best of my knowledge, none of these are triggers for me. Good thing, too, because I don't want to give up chocolate. Life is hard enough. Other triggers include weather changes, bright lights or loud noises, perfumes, lack of sleep, stress, missing meals, dehydration, hormonal changes, and crying. Yep, one reason I avoid the cosmetics counter at department stores. Those perfume samples are killers. Same as the laundry detergent aisle in the grocery store. First I sneeze, then I get a headache. No fun.

Here's what really came as a surprise to me, however. In an article called 'What's Your Strangest Migraine Symptom?' I learned that several things that have been happening to me for years are likely migraine-related. And here, I thought I was just crazy. Or had a brain tumor.

One of these symptoms, Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, is a disorder that causes a person to believe that body parts (and in some cases their environment), are changing shape or size. For me, it usually means that I feel as if one hand is growing larger and larger, as if it's a huge clown glove, filled with air. It never lasted very long, but felt as if it did. Once, when a migraine was so bad I had to go to the ER for treatment, this happened after they gave me the fun shot; that time, I felt as if my ears were getting bigger and bigger.

The first time I remember this happening I was eleven-years-old. I had been reading in the afternoon during summer break, and suddenly, my right thumb began to grow. It didn't last long, or get very big, and I don't remember if a headache followed it, but I do remember being totally freaked out. Until recently, I never told anyone about it.

When I was in junior high, I read Stephen King's 'The Dead Zone' for the first time, and one thing from that book has stuck with me ever since. The neurologist asks Johnny if he ever smells anything unusual, like rotting oranges, or feces, when there is nothing there; apparently this  a sign of a brain tumor. Well, it turns out these types of sensory hallucinations are also a migraine symptom, one I've had often. I was pretty sure I didn't have a brain tumor, because I've had my fair share of MRI's & CT scans, thanks to the epilepsy, but thanks to Mr. King, I was always scared. Now, I don't need to.

I do wish that one of the neurologists I've seen over the years had pointed some of this stuff out. I'm especially cheesed that the migraine specialist I've been seeing for the last year never mentioned any of this. I appreciate that there are all these online communities, but shouldn't a doctor have said something?!

I'm sure there's a word for how I feel.

It's Not Hoarding if They're eBooks, Right?

If Hoarders ever decides to do a show on people who have too many books, they'd over look me, because, really, my library of "real" books isn't that big. Comparatively speaking, that is. Not nearly big enough to land me a spot on a show like that. My ebook library, on the other hand, is getting out of control.

I'm fairly sure that I have at least 150 unread books on my Kindle app. Then there are the ones on Aldiko, Google Books, Moon+Reader, and  OverDrive. We won't even mention the dozens of fanfiction books/stories lurking about my tablet, or the audiobook waiting to be listened to. And I'm not counting the things I HAVE read. 
Except for those things I've read before in a paper version, all of these are new to me. I'm addicted to free book sites, and some days, spend more time searching out free things to download than I do reading. It's distressing. 

 

Now, this is not to say I don't read at all, because we all know that isn't true. I'm halfway through an odd book called Ketchup Clouds by Annabel Pitcher.



 

It's a YA novel about a teen girl writing to a man on death row, and confessing all her dark secrets to him. Twisted. Just my style.

 

 

 

Blood and Poetry

I went to college. Actually, I went to several colleges, and changed my major several times before I finally finished, but that's totally not the point. The BA I finally ended up with is in English:Creative Writing:Poetry, with a minor in Theater. Yes, that's a degree that will get you a job in any field!

I always enjoyed poetry, although I'm still not sure why I chose to major in it. I'm more of a reader than a writer, in spite of the many aspirations my mother has for me. I did put together a collection (a "thesis" if you will) for my final project, and gave many readings for classes. That part I was good at; I'd never had a problem being in front of others. But over the years I've written less and less, and I miss it. In an effort to get back in the groove, so to speak, I dug up as many of my old poems as I could find. Aren't you lucky--I'm going to post some of them! (Be afraid, be very afraid!)

Before we get to today's poem, can someone explain to me why, when I am feeling low, watching a show like Dexter, or reading a Jonathan Kellerman novel, full of blood and mayhem, monsters and murder, makes me feel so much better? It can't just be me, or these things wouldn't be as popular as they are, right? I've spent the last two days watching Dexter on Netflix, while doing all the other things I need to do. And yes, I suddenly feel so much more normal. Really, compared to most of the characters on this show, I'm a paragon of mental health. Good to know.

And now for the literary portion of today's post! One of my favorites. Enjoy.

 

Wilhelmina

In a hypothetical world,

I am a bimbo goddess of poetry,

Enshrined in my coffeehouse castle,

my words the songs of a generation.

Attended by sugary seraphim upon my beachside throne,

my name resonates on the tongues of cappuccino demigods.

He, bespectacled, brilliant, falls at my feet,

quoting darkly my childlines.

As gilded graces join us in our dance,

we whirl through a city of stars into

our moonpalace home.

Fall through velvet loveclouds into beds of miracles.

Strongly carefree of wings or wheels,

tasting of copper and chocolate,

a literary, bad-­tempered love of scarlet phrases in my head.

He whispers, solemn:

“God has spoken, and he sounds like Elvis.”

Fear of the Unknown

If I were a Harry Potter character, I'm fairly sure the Sorting Hat would not have placed me in Gryffindor, simply because I'm not really a brave person. Yes, at times in my life, I've been able to stand up in front of the crowd, singing or acting, and I was, for a long time, very good at making new friends. Not so much any more. The last few years of my life have left me a very different person, and so many things scare me these days. It's difficult to be in crowds, and the idea of having to talk to too many people I don't know is terrifying.  I've had panic attacks in public places, including the local Fred Myer, where I wound up crying in the manager's office. These events had been getting farther between, until recently, when certain things began making me very nervous.

If you've been reading this for long, you know I share a home with my extended family: my parents, who are 78 and 83; my younger sister and her two children, who are 10 and 20; plus two cats and a dog. During the last year my father lost his job, and hasn't been able to find another one; he has also begun showing signs of dementia, which is difficult for all of us. Mom hasn't worked outside the home in years; they have some Social Security coming in, but no savings. My sister hasn't had a steady job in over a year, just temp things, and my while my niece has a full-time job, she doesn't help out much. Hence, the only real income in the household now are my SSI/SSD checks every month, and Mom & Dad's Social Security. Not a lot for all these people to live on. Jolene & I both get food stamps, which helps, and for now, all of our medical expanses are taken care of. The big issue is the house payment; we cannot afford this house.

When I moved back in here two years ago, my goal was to stay a few months and then get a place of my own. But things went downhill very fast; I sank into depression after the breakup and Michele's death, and still haven't fully recovered. It was easier to hide in this room than get on with my life. But now, I don't have a choice, and this scares me. My parents are talking about selling the house, and this means we'll all have to move. Sure, they've been talking about selling for years, but this time they're actually doing things to put it in motion. Getting the basement presentable. Talking to realtors. Getting rid of things. And scaring the hell out of me.

My tiny room is full of stuff, and I have dozens of boxes in the garage. Every few days I'm encouraged to begin sorting, getting rid of things, both so the place will look better for prospective buyers, and so it will be easier to move. Jolene has done a bit of this in, but I've yet to begin, even though I've nothing but time on my hands.

At first I thought I was just procrastinating, as usual, being my normal lazy self.  I've had several conversations about where I'd go when the house sold with different people. Jolene proposed we get an RV, put Max in online school, and tour the country. I've discussed getting an apartment with my ex-husband and friend, Charlie (we get along well, and he's easy to live with), but it's never gone farther than discussion.  But recently I realized that I honestly have no idea what is going to happen to any of us, and this is nerve-wracking.  Some part of me believes if I don't do anything, the unknown will stay far, far in the future, and I won't have to think about it. Denial is my favorite river, and I swim deep in it.



Talking about things helps, so they say. I've discussed this fear with Jolene, and Mom, and now you. Let's hope it helps, because I cannot continue doing nothing, as much as I might like to. Getting past the fear is going to be hard. I may have to channel my inner Steel Magnolia and remember "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

A Few Reccomendations

I promised some fanfiction recommendations, and here they are. I've read so many, but these are just a few that I truly liked. I'll add more later. All of these are in the Harry Potter universe, and are mostly Drarry stories. I confess, I do like those slash stories!



 

Jonna's HP FanFic Recs, Part One

 

The Bound Prince series by slash perv and sayingsorry_hh                                       (7 volumes, Harry/Draco, ADULT)

This seven volume series is extremely well written, and is available on slash perv’s website as a free pdf download. Beginning with that pivotal moment in Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince where Harry finds Draco crying in the bathroom; in this version, instead of hexing each other, they kiss, and from there, things escalate. Serious m/m slash, with lots of explicit sex: really, in nearly every chapter after the first couple, Harry & Draco are shagging, sometimes on a life-or-death basis. Some of the best long reads out there.

 

A British Summer by Omi_Ohmy                                                                                (One Shot, Harry/Draco, Explicit, Smut)

Ice cream.  After the war, and a very public breakup with Ginny, Harry has become a recluse. Draco is surprised when he runs into him scooping ice cream in a Muggle town on a summer afternoon.  I love ice cream (and sorbet, and gelato, and frozen yogurt...) and this story called out to me. It is yummy--but be warned, it’ll have you craving a frozen treat!

 

Vale Sanare by RurouniHime                                                                             (Draco/Harry, one shot, angst)

This is not a happy little fic, but it speaks to me.  Draco suffers seizures as an after-effect of something that happened during the war (we never find out what), and Harry helps him to find ways to cope. Turns out the war left Harry with some physical issues of his own. I am epileptic, and I seldom read anything that talks about seizures, simply because most writers cannot get the way seizure disorders affect a person right. This author does a spot-on job of describing both Draco’s seizures themselves (from his POV), and the way he feels after; I especially like the way the author describes his aura:

“Everything is the colour of plums, so dark and so opaque that Draco doesn't know what happens next. He could be falling. He could be standing. He could be breaking his nose on the floor right this instant, this eternity, and bleeding over Harry's floorboards—”

 

Not Only Fine Feathersby fantasyfruitbat                                                                 (Harry/Draco NC-17, one-shot, veela!)

I confess to a liking for veela fics, and this is a bit different from most. After the war, a mistreated, caged and feral veela is discovered in a Death Eater safe house, and will only respond to Harry. Of course, this veela turns out to Draco. The Ministry wants to put him down, but Harry fights to save him.

 

Checkmate by Naadi                                                                                           (Harry/Draco, romance/angst)

Set during their seventh year at Hogwarts, this is a multi-chapter fiction that is canon through Goblet of Fire. Draco challenges Harry to a game of dare chess, and throughout the fiction, an actual game of chess is played. But is his ultimate goal love or betrayal?

This is a very popular fic, and even won some awards. The fan art for it is numerous, and includes a Lego version of one chapter, linked here.

 

Sex, Lies and Veritaserum  by lettered                                                            (Harry/Draco, one-shot, explicit)

The warning on this story states “This entire fic is one long conversation about sex.” And it’s the truth. When Draco spikes the wine with veritaserum, he and his husband Harry begin a conversation about their sexual fantasies and desires. This gets rather explicit, and hot. Hey, they aren’t all love stories, folks.

 

And An Owl Named Romeo by Rickey                                                                   (Draco/Harry, romance)

Draco breeds owls, Harry is an Auror, and an owl brings them together. The characterization in this love story is wonderful, and so is the romance!

 

Nothing Like The Sun by Lomonaaeren                                                            (Harry/Draco, angst/romance, NC-17)

Don’t go into this one expecting happy happy joy joy. In this story, Harry has been convinced by his past lovers that not only is he too ugly and lousy at sex to keep a wizard lover. He tries to get better, and compromises by wearing glamours, and finally, deciding to be content with one-night-stands with Muggles. Then along comes Draco, who messes everything up by wanting a relationship. This was a difficult story to read--Harry’s pain is palpable. But stick with it. It’s worth it.

 

It’s My Life by Fyreheart                                                                                                   (Harry, AU)

This is an alternate universe fiction, and one of the best I’ve read. After his second year at Hogwarts, Harry realizes that things aren’t quite what they should be, and he decides to change them. He does this by becoming pro-active in his life, and making huge changes--including leaving Hogwarts, and England. It’s an interesting idea, exploring “what if?”

Save Your Fanfiction!

I'm working on a list of some of my favorite fan-fics to share with you. There is so much out there... But first, I wanted to share these links with you. I read both on my laptop and on my tablet (a nifty Samsung Galaxy, which I love!) using various e-reader apps. Scrolling on the laptop just gets to be a bit much, ya know? Plus, it's much easier to read from the tablet in bed! So I went looking for ways to download various fics so I can read them elsewhere.  Archive Of Our Own, has a built in download feature on stories, allowing you to choose between formats (mobi, which is for Kindle; epbub, pdf or html); most of the other sites don't offer this feature, which is a shame, since it's very efficient. Hence, the search for ways to save.

Since a large portion of fan-fiction is archived/posted on Fanfiction.net, finding a way to download those stories was tantamount. (FFN does have a mobile version, but it tends to be too small for me to read.) The site I found, which works most of the time, is Ficsave. It's dedicated only to FFN, but has issues. When it works, it's great. As with many of these sites, you simply enter the link of the work you want to download, choose your format, and save.

A better choice for FFN, as well as several other sites is StoryMaster, which works quite well for FFN, Adult Fan Fiction, and a few other sites, is a bit different, in that your result is emailed to you, and then you can download it. The results here are always well done; I've not been disappointed yet. I only wish it worked for more sites,

FanFiction Downlaoder has an extensive list of supported sites, including AOO, The Hex Files, FFN, Literotica, Fiction Press, and Trek Universe. As with many others, it will not work on stories from LiveJournal.

Squee!book is a site which supposedly turns a website into something more along the lines of an actual book. You have to load each chapters link of multi-part stories (from some sites) one by one, which is a huge pain in the ass.  And there are still some large bugs, not least of which is the fact that even after loading all of those, they don't always transfer, and your work is for naught. However, on some sites, it works perfectly well; user be warned.

Online-Convert is a multi-use site, which offers file conversion of all types. Audio, video, image, document, and ebook. I use the ebook converter all the time. It is especially handy for those Live Journal stories, when my only option is to cut and paste. A pdf document is quickly converted into a mobi or epub file, or vice versa.

I've also used an app called dotEpub, a software that allows you to convert any webpage to an epub with one click. Unfortunately, it does not work with LiveJournal.

All of these are free sites, although a few offer upgrades. Good luck!

Dancing Fools

 

No reason for this post, really, other than these make giggle. I've come across several gifs lately that I quite enjoy, and decided to share.



There are dozens of these "single ladies" out there, and I wanted to share a couple with you all.   

Everybody dance now!

 

Okay, this image of dancing Harry Potter is one of my favorites. I wished there was also a Draco to go with it, and then discovered there is an entire video, called Dance Dance Potter Revolution! Makes me happy in such a stupid way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc5M3HlihSg

Because I'm obsessive, I spent several hours (read: DAYS) looking at gifs, and even found websites where I could make my own, so of course I did.  (I have nothing but time on my hands, people.)

Twist like Travolta, baby.



Some Like It Hot is my all-time favorite movie, and this tango is awesome.


 

I hope these guys are dancing together in heaven!

 

Carlton rocks. 

As does Cap'n Tightpants. 

He's The Doctor. Of course he can dance!



 

Still one of the best movies ever. 

Johnny Bravo and PeeWee have more in common than we knew. 

Go, Farmer Ted. He blows my mind. 

 

There's an entire Tumblr dedicated to Chandler dancing on things, but this is better. 

 

Mr Noodle, and his brother, Mr Noodle, from Sesame Street. They groove, man. 

And because I am obsessive, and because I found a way to make my own gifs, I give you  Dance Dance Draco!



 

Enjoy my silliness.